Blog of Bermanism

As I said in my last post, the purpose of this post is to chronicle the journey that was Memorial weekend 2007. We had a great time this last weekend. My sister Emily came out to visit us from Texas, along with her best friend and one her best friend’s best friends (got it? good). Anyway, the friends arrived the night before Emily because they were in town for a communications conference in downtown San Francisco. They were kind enough to brave the public transit from Oakland airport to Sausalito (which involved a shuttle, the BART subway, a four block walk, and a ferry ride from downtown SF to Sausalito). In doing that, they saved me 70 miles of driving and about three hours of hassle. We all went to work the next day, but met up for dinner at this wonderful little place in Sausalito called Avatar’s. This place was introduced to us by Rachel’s friend Tanya and has been a favorite of ours ever since. The restaurant serves a fusion of Indian, Pakistani, Italian, and Mexican food, all rolled into one mouth-watering experience. On their menu, they state that they are, “Purveyors of Ethnic Confusion.” Right they are, but they do it with elegance and style. Before this post turns into a raving review for Avatar’s, let me finish by saying that even if the food was the best thing about this place, you’d be happy with your experience. Luckily, the owner and server, Ashok, is one of the happiest, most lively, and friendly servers you’ll ever have. He, and the rest of the staff are so genuinely concerned with your satisfaction, that they won’t charge you if you don’t like what they serve you. You will leave happy, as we did that night.

Much later that night, my sister flew in. I had to work the next day, but Rachel took her all around Sausalito, met me for lunch at the Cliff House Bistro, and then took her to some of the major sites in San Francisco that all tourists do (Fisherman’s Wharf, Coit Tower, Lombard Street, etc.). Afterwards, I met the entire group in Union Square where we did the famous Rachel sojourn to the largest Old Navy you’ve ever seen (she loves that place). Then, we headed out to dinner to a place that my friend Aleisha insisted that we try when she was in town, the R & G Lounge in Chinatown. This restaurant has definitely become one of our favorite places in Chinatown. They serve both authentic and creative Chinese cuisine, and the food is excellent. We had our fill there and then headed out to a downtown bar called the Hemlock Tavern. This place is pretty much a dive bar, but it is very trendy and draws a really great crown on the weekends. We all got thoroughly trashed there, played some pool with a guy we nicknamed “Jedi Mind Trick” (because thought he was so awesome at pool, and his prominently displayed ass crack agreed), and then headed home for the night at around 12:30pm (rowers are wusses, we can’t stay up past 10pm very effectively).

Despite a strong hangover, Rachel, Emily and I all got up and went to rowing practice at 6:30 the next morning. Em got to ride on the coaches boat with my coach and watch our practice, something she enjoyed, but thought was cold. After that, we went to breakfast with the rowers (until 11am!!), got back home, showered, and headed out to continue the touring. We took her to Golden Gate Park first, which is one of my favorite places. We went to the Japanese Tea Garden (a magical place), and then to the deYoung museum. The museum has a very unique view of the city from its observation tower. Sadly, that was the best thing about the place that day (except for the glass exhibit, I really thought that was cool). Then, we went to Haight-Ashbury so Emily could experience the hippyness, then went over to the Castro to get a cookie from the Hot Cookie (awesome stuff) to tide us over until dinner. After that, we took a drive up Market Street into the financial district, and eventually over to North Beach for dinner at one of our favorite Italian restaurants, the Mona Lisa Ristorante. After a yummy meal there, we headed home because everyone was totally tired. I think we were all asleep by 10.

Sunday, we got up, Rachel and I went rowing (Ken and I tried rowing a pair for the first time ever, it was great!), and then we came back, got showered and dressed and went with Emily to breakfast at the Lighthouse Cafe in Sausalito (it seems like all we did was eat!). Then we raced over to Mt. Tamalpais High school to catch a shuttle to see the Mountain Play, which was performing Hair at the top of Mount Tamalpais. There were an enormous number of people there, and, since the entire weekend was foggy, the amphitheater was happily far above the fog line, making it a beautiful, sunny and warm afternoon experience. This was my first time seeing a production of Hair, and, sadly, I was only mildly impressed. The troupe performed it well (under the very difficult condition of being outdoors), but the content of the musical was pretty much lacking. There wasn’t much of a plot and the musical really focused on protest songs about the Vietnam war. While the musical was apropos for our current time, I thought that it would have been much better with more of a plot line. Perhaps if I had watched it stoned (as it was likely written), then I might have gotten it better.

After the play, we headed to get some dinner at the E & O Trading Company in Larkspur, then headed to the Marin Brewing Company for some yummy microbrew beer. Afterwards, we headed home, polished off a bottle of our favorite Zinfandel, and went to sleep.

Emily’s friends left early on Monday morning and we headed out to Sonoma to experience some wine tasting before Emily had to get on the plane home. We managed to get to four wineries before heading back to SFO to get Emily to her plane on time. We visited Viansa, Gloria Ferrer, Schug, and Ravenswood. I don’t think any of us were very impressed with Gloria Ferrer, but we all liked something at the other three, with Ravenswood being our favorite. Rachel had been to Ravenswood once before, and had gotten a pourer named Larry, this cute old guy who knows a whole lot about wine. She requested him again and we got about twice the number of wines that we were supposed to on our tasting list. They were all really, really good and we bought a few of them. We were also all trashed after all that wine, so we had to chill out for a little while before heading back towards the city. Once I was sure I could drive in a straight line, we went into downtown Sonoma for some ice cream, then drove to SFO. We got Em to the airport in time for her flight and headed home to recover from a very busy weekend. It is always fun to have visitors come into town because it gives us a chance to explore this wonderful area we live in, more than we would on our own. The Bay Area has so much to offer and so much to do, it would take several years of trying to do it all to get it all done. We loved having Emily and her friends here, and we invite them back anytime they want to come.

Emily also wrote a blog entry about this weekend. Check it out here.

As everyone is well aware, this last weekend was Memorial weekend, a Federal holiday (which means that even I can take the time off). The holiday is meant to be a memorial of the men and women who have given their souls and lives in the service of our country. What better way is there to celebrate their sacrifices than by living the American dream; inviting family and friends over, having a BBQ in the back yard, drinking asstons of beer, getting trashed, getting in fights, debating the finer points of social security, and driving drunk. That’s right, Memorial day is all about enjoying the freedoms that our fallen brethren have fought so hard to provide to us. And yes, those freedoms can be enjoyed in both good and bad ways. Do whatever you want to do, that is the motto of a free country (disclaimer – you can do what ever you want to do as long as the government approves of what you want to do, and as long as your actions don’t cost any money to the Federal goverment).

I personally like Memorial day, though I have a hard time justifying the current direction of our troops in Iraq. I normally keep my political views out of this blog, but this seems an appropriate time to air my concerns. To be fair, I understand why the government wants to escalate the troop deployment in Iraq. On paper, it would appear that the current numbers of our troops over there don’t have enough brute force to overcome the insurgency. Adding greater numbers to the patrols would balance out that inequality. It would also give more money to the corporations and departments that supply and run the war effort (which, I think is the real reason behind the escalation). So, it sort of makes sense. But, the other thing that we could do is to get out now. Sure, as Americans, this option just doesn’t sit well us; start a fight and back out just because we’re losing (and, we are losing). But, sometimes, the correct action, the noble and honorable action, isn’t to fight to the death, but back away from a situation where we obviously aren’t wanted anymore. Staying there, in my opinion only serves to sacrifice more men and women to the insurgency and to make our country look weaker and weaker. We eventually had to leave Vietnam too, because, after staying the course for 19 years (across three presidencies) and after losing 58,000 troops, we (and the South Vietnamese) lost the war with the Fall of Saigon. It sucks to lose, but we’re up against a group of people who do not value human life, and only care that their cause prevails. This kind of attitude removes all boundaries to the rules of engagement. Unless our troops also disregard their value for both their lives and the lives of the people they are trying to free, there will be no way to win this war. To win, we have to become them, something I’m quite sure that our troops are morally unwilling to do. I don’t know the answer, but I think that we would gain more respect as a country in the eyes of the world community to back out now, admit that we screwed up, and figure out how to fix what we messed up once the dust settles. Sometimes, there is more honor is retreat and regrouping than staying the course. At least fewer people on both sides will be killed in the process.

So, now that I’ve gone on that tirade, I want to explain something very clearly. I am 100% supportive of our troops. I personally know a lot of them and I’m glad that they are willing to lay down their lives for our country, no matter how misguided the directives or efforts themselves may be. The troops have to assume that there is a good reason that they are being asked to do what they’re doing, so that, in the event that the general public doesn’t see the whole picture due to secret intelligence or plots that are not publicly known, the correct course of action is taken. Perhaps that is the case here. If so, the government has done a pretty poor job of selling their cover stories since the (now majority) of Americans are opposed to the war efforts. But, just in case any troops happen to read this blog, I want them to know that almost everyone I know is supportive of them, just not the reasoning behind their efforts. I think most of us are starting to feel that the tremendous loss of life on both sides is not proportional to the positive gains of the effort itself. I’m sure that that statement in itself is demoralizing to someone on the front lines, but I think that is the truth.

Anyway, this Memorial day, while it was great fun to me (more about that in the next post), carries a note of sadness with me. I want the bloodshed to end, I want a resolution to the conflict. Things are not getting better, it might be time to stop trying to fix the wound and see if it heals naturally. I see the validity of both sides of this argument, but I think I’m leaning much more toward the left on this one. It will be interesting to see what happens over the next few months with elections on the way, campaigns in full gear, and a government who’s stability and support is entirely dependent upon a successful resolution in Iraq and a non-deployment stance on Iran.

Ok, I’ve ranted enough. I could go on for a long time on this stuff. So, I’m going to stop while I’m ahead. Thanks for getting this far. Post your comments, I’m curious whether you agree or disagree.

Mobius strip: a surface with only one side and only one boundary component. It has the mathematical property of being non-orientable.

A Mobius strip made with a piece of paper and tape.

For some reason, I have always found that complex emotional states can be described using mathematical surfaces. I’m not sure why, but I always tend to want to visualize things that are otherwise incomprehensible. Since I am currently obsessed with the various stages and states of relationships (I’ll explain why in a minute), I started searching for a surface that represents the emotional states of relationships. I found the Mobius strip. It is essentially a loop, with a twist in it. The twist, though it sounds really simple, makes the object essentially borderless and unorientable. Without the twist, you can describe the shape as a cylinder, but the twist takes that definition away. How does this represent the emotional states of relationships? Well, a relationship (and by relationship I mean any semi-long-term interpersonal interaction that goes beyond friendship) essentially has three stages: formation, sustenance, and termination. But, the boundaries between the emotional states associated with each of these stages is fuzzy at best. Emotionally, each stage has no specific boundary. You can be infatuated, in love, angry, obsessed, fed up, and blissful at any of these stages. The thing that mostly defines which stage is which, is time, not emotion. So, since the emotional states of a relationship are borderless, unorientable, tend to go in cycles, and never really end, I thought the Mobius strip was a good representation of relationship emotions.That was deep.

No we go deeper. You might be asking, “Ari, you are in a stable and very happy relationship with someone who is totally rockin’ and loves you exactly as much as you love her! Why the hell are you obsessed with relationships this week?” Wow, what a really great question. Actually, the reason has very little to do with me personally, but rather with almost everyone else that I know. It seems that almost all of my close friends that are women have gotten divorced in the last few years (with one exception that I can think of), and a few of the guys I know are also divorced. I meet more people every day who are going through painful separations in their marriages or are in the final throwes of divorce, and, many of my friends and relatives have recently ended long-term relationships with people that they thought they would spend the rest of their lives with. So, that’s why I’m obsessed with relationships this week.

All of this turmoil has left me thinking a lot about what makes my marriage work and what makes the vast majority of others fail. The first obvious component is compatibility. I know that EHarmony works from the premise that without proper personality compatibility, a relationship between two people will never reach its full potential and will eventually fail. I kind of agree with that, except that I don’t think you can quantify emotional compatibility (though I know a bunch of Psychologists that are trying really hard to do just that). I think that only the two people involved can gauge whether they are compatible or not. I also think that preconceptions are largely responsible for relationship failures. A lot of people enter into relationships with the thought, “I hope this is the one! I really, really need to be married and have kids and have a house and have a dog and be in debt up to my ears and have to sell my body for college tuition, and…,” well you get the idea. I think that entering into anything without an open mind, will doom it to fail. If you expect nothing from a relationship when you enter into it, then the bond between two people can grow and thrive naturally, without anyone trying to make it something that it isn’t. If you start a relationship with someone because, say, you like them and you like who you are when you’re around them, then that should be enough of a reason to get involved. If you let the relationship develop on its own without trying to expect things (like marriage and two-dozen roses at least 2.4 times/month), then, if the two people are compatible in a long-term relationship, things will progress toward that end, naturally. If instead, one or both people involved have predetermined that this person will be with them forever, then that person will likely try to steer the development of the relationship in that direction, whether they mean to or not (which, coming from a guy usually creeps out women, and coming from a women usually sends a guy running away screaming).

All of that being said, it is just about impossible to be impartially emotional during the development of a relationship. In fact, it is nearly impossible to be unbiased about anything in life. In my line of work (science, that is), I have to randomize samples that I’m studying in a way that makes it impossible for me to know which experimental group is which, thus blinding myself to the groups. If I’m not blinded, I will likely bias the analysis, no matter how good my intentions are. The same is true in relationships, except that it is impossible to blind yourself to the possible outcomes of the relationship. So, if I were to do all of this over again (which I hope to God I never do), I think that I would expect ALL possible outcomes. I would expect to get married, have kids, drink lots of beer, get cheated on, have a threesome, have her leave me for another woman, get divorced, give her half my stuff, and spend the rest of my life with her. If all outcomes are possible (which they always are), then, perhaps, I’ll stay neutral enough during the formation of the relationship to allow it to develop free of guidance and manipulation. I’m sure all of this is easier said than done, but that is what I think. I also have a whole list of rules that I would follow if I were back on the dating scene:

1. Don’t get engaged unless you’ve known each other for two years (you have to know if you can grow and change together before you commit to each other).
2. Don’t move in together until you are at least engaged (if you break up and you live together, things can get VERY complicated and your personal space is suddenly tainted).
3. Wait for a while before planning vacations together, maybe 6 months (planning vacations are long-term plans and lead naturally to the assumption that you’ll be doing a lot of things together over the next x months. Stay put, keep things simple. Once you’ve been in a long-term relationship for a while, start making some SIMPLE, short-term plans to travel together.
4. Don’t rush things (Rushing the relationship will develop preconceptions. Take-it-slow, let it happen on its own schedule)
5. Do things separately!!! (I can’t emphasize this one enough. Couples that spend every waking moment together get addicted to each other and become co-dependent. Do things apart, go home to your own place, go out with your friends without your significant other, go on trips without them (see #3), take at least one day/week to yourself where you don’t see the other person at all. Maintaining your independence will truly allow the relationship to develop as it should, without being smothered)
6. Trust each other (Being jealous and suspicious will kill a relationship before it has started. No matter what happened in your last relationship, this is a new one, treat it that way. Mistrust and suspicion will only make things miserable. Trust until given a reason not to, a good reason).
7. Talk to each other, openly (If you have a problem with the other person, tell them from the beginning. If they can’t take it, you don’t belong with them. Don’t be afraid of confrontation or of pissing the other person off, just tell them what is on your mind. Talking things out tends to prevent number 6, so just do it. Keeping it inside will rot the relationship from the inside out).
8. Compromise (In order to grow and change together, you have to work together and you’ll have to compromise on some of the things that you want. So, negotiate, compromise, do what you need to to make it work, without compromising who you are or how you want to live your life. Compromise is a part of relationships, just make sure that both people are compromising equally. If a relationship requires too much compromise, it probably isn’t working.)
9. If things aren’t working, get out (There is no reason to force anything. You’re wasting a lot more time and effort by trying to make something work when it is clear that it just won’t. There are a lot of other people out there, go looking for them. The exception to this is marriage. If you got married, both of you have the responsibility to do everything you can to make it work. You’ll have to compromise, see #7)
10. If you break up, do two things: 1) don’t talk to or see the other person for at least two weeks (let yourself heal, start separating your life from theirs), and 2) do not go out and date anyone else for at least two months (anyone within that time will be a rebound and will almost always become co-dependent. They never last, always fail, and one or both people always get REALLY hurt. Take the time to heal)

That’s my advice. Take it or leave it, but I think a lot of those qualities are why Rachel and I worked. I think a lot of them were forced to happen because the majority of our relationship was long distance, but I think we would have worked out that way anyhow.

Along these same lines, I was listening to my iPod earlier this week (before its hard drive ate itself and sent it and all of my music spiraling into oblivion) and two songs stuck out to me that described some of this zany relationship business quite well, “Cold Fire” by Rush and “Split Screen Sadness” by John Mayer. I’d like to post the MP3s so that you can listen to them while reading the lyrics, but I sadly think that RIAA would sue me for several billion dollars and put me PMITA prison if I did that without a proper license. So, if you want to listen to either song, comment here and I’ll send you a secret URL to listen to them. Anyway, here are the lyrics:

JOHN MAYER
Split Screen Sadness

And I don’t know where you went when you left me but
It says here in the water, you must be gone by now
I can tell somehow

One hand on the trigger of the telephone
Wonderin when the call comes, when you say it’s all right
You got your heart right

Maybe I’ll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on your porch ‘til you come back home, alright
I can’t find a fight
We share the sadness
Split screen sadness

Two wrongs make it all alright tonight
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight

All you need is love is a lie cause
We had a love but we still said goodbye
Now we’re tired, battered fighters
And it stings when it nobody’s fault
Cause there’s nothing to blame
At the drop of your name, it’s only the air you took
And the breath you left

So maybe I’ll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch til you come back home, alright
I can’t find the fight
So I’ll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
Might be my only right

We share the sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
Split screen sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
We share the sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
Split screen sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)

I called… because… I just… need to feel you on the line
Don’t hang up this time
And I know well it’s me you called it over but
I still wish you fought me ‘til my dying day
Don’t let me get away

Cause I can’t wait to figure out what’s wrong with me
So I can say this is the way that I used to be
There’s no substitute for time
Oh for the sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
Split screen sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
We share the sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
Split screen sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)

Oh in the sadness, it’s alright, it’s alright
Oh in the sadness, it’s alright, it’s alright
Oh in the sadness, it’s alright, it’s alright
Oh in the sadness, it’s alright, it’s alright

And, here’s the other song:

RUSH
Cold Fire

It was long after midnight
When we got to unconditional love
She said sure, my heart is boundless
But don’t push my limits too far

I said if love was so transcendant
I don’t understand these boundaries
She said just don t disappoint me —
You know how complex women are
I’ll be around
If you don t let me down
Too far

It was just before sunrise
When we started on traditional roles
She said sure I’ll be your partner
But don t make too many demands

I said if love has these conditions
I don’t understand those songs you love
She said this is not a love song
This isn’t fantasy-land
I’ll be around
If you don’t push me down
Too far

DON’T GO TOO FAR —
The phosphorescent wave on a tropical sea
Is a cold fire
DON’T CROSS THE LINE —
The pattern of moonlight on the bedroom floor
Is a cold fire
DON’T LET ME DOWN —
The flame at the heart of a pawnbroker s diamond
Is a cold fire
DON’T BREAK THE SPELL —
The look in your eyes as you head for the door
Is a cold fire

Love is blind if you are gentle
Love can turn to a long, cold burn

Ok, this post is getting ridiculously long, so I’ll spare you my interpretations of each song, but I thought the words to them were particularly apropos to this topic. No doubt, there are COUNTLESS songs out there about this stuff, many of which might be just as appropriate, but these stuck out to me.

So, to all of my wayward friends and family, I say this: hang in there, things will get better. The ending of a relationship, especially a very serious one, feels a lot like someone died (though, if you really wanted to, you could go talk to that person again pretty easily). So, breaking up is death without the permanence. These feelings will eventually pass, or at least die down to a manageable roar. Take what you learned from that relationship and apply it to the choice of your next partner and to your actions in that relationship. All you can do is to improve things the next time around.

The weekend of March 31, Rachel and I (and our rowing teams) headed down to San Diego, CA for the 34th annual San Diego Crew Classic. Since 1973, this regatta has been one of the premier events on the west coast in the world of rowing. This was both Rachel’s and my first year to attend this race, and it was quite an ordeal. There were dozens of sponsor and vendor tents (as is usually the case for races like this), thousands of people, and an equal thousands of competitors. The regatta lasted for two days, with mostly qualifying heats run on Saturday, and the finals run on Sunday. My team sent six full 8+’s to the race (the most entries ever for a single club team), and Rachel’s team sent five boats. Rachel was placed into a younger club boat* that wasn’t the strongest lineup that she could have had. As a result, her boat came in last in her heat. I was placed in a very strong and fast open boat**. Since our category was very large (20 competitors, three heats), the top two from each heat advanced to the grand final, and the next two advanced to the petite final. Our heat was stacked. We were against four other boats: Univ of Calif. 2nd novice boat (huge guys), Trident (all Olympian-level rowers), River City, and the UCSB alumni. It was one hell of a race; 2,000 meters of hard fought third place. Our boat was strong, solid, powerful, and very set in the non-ideal conditions of Mission Bay in San Diego. As I said, we came in third place, below the Cal Novice guys, who killed the entire field by 19 seconds, and Trident beat us by only 6 seconds, not too shabby against Olympians. My friend Tyler, who was in the boat with me, was mad that we couldn’t catch Trident, but we got closer to them this year than in previous years, so he was a little happy about that. Our time down that course was 6:59.19. Because we were third place, we didn’t advance to the grand final, but we did advance to the petite final, which was at 8:40 the next morning. The thing that really sucked about our third place is that we were 12 and 14 seconds faster than the second place finishers in the other two heats. So, if we had been in either of the other heats, we would have made it to the grand final, but alas… Never-the-less, we showed up for our  petite final ready to kill it. And, kill it we did. River City actually made a pretty strong showing in our heat, but we ended up pulling away from the field and winning by just over 5 seconds with a time of 6:42.00, second place was 6:47.05. It was very nice to come in first in the petite final. If we had rowed in the grand final, we would likely have come in 5th. So, it was a great experience, it was fun to be the “old man” in the boat of youngsters, and it was great that the quality of rowers in that boat were willing to have me in the boat and race with me. It was a very pleasant experience and I had a blast doing it. Next year, TRIDENT!!! (That’s for you, Tyler).

*In order to compete in Club Event races, all members of the crew (including coxswain) must be from the same club and live within 50 miles of that club. The races are usually split by age categories after the entries have been submitted.

**The open category is a masters event that anyone of any age can compete in. The category is usually filled with younger masters rowers, below 27 years old, that can’t row in the lettered “age-categories” until they are 27. The open category has no age handicapping.

Just wanted to post something before my blog muscle wastes away to something that not even Rachel could rehabilitate. I have a ton to blog about, just no time do it!! I will write soon, I swear. I think I need to publicize my blog more so that I’m forced to write more. I did pretty well for the first part of my 30 posts in 30 days thing. That was nice, but I just ran out of time to keep it up. I’ll start all of that up again soon. I’m going to Austin this next week, so once I’m back from that, I’ll try to start the challenge again. Thanks for sticking with me! Peace and carrots.